why i hate july

"sometime time doesnt heal, no not at all, just stand still, while we fall, in & out of love again i doubt i'm gunna win you back when you got eyes like that they wont let me in, ohh no, just lookin' out.."

its been a tough 16 days.
every time july 1st hits, a painful anticipation for the anniversary of the best and worst day of my life plagues me.
July 24th.
the day i brought my first child into this world, and promptly lost him to the stupidity of my youth.
im offically over the hate, the bitterness, the wrath & vengence, and find myself in the very confusing state of suddenly remembering good times we had.. decent times..
suddenly, this year, instead of being blinded by rage and "this isnt fucking fair" (which it still isnt but i digress) im suddenly realizing... hey... this wasnt our fault.. we were young. too young to know what to do... too young to know how to react.. too young, with too many people pushing and pulling us in a million directions so much so that we could not make our own choices. we were puppets in a very sick show. and now we pay for it for the rest of our lives. both of us.
suddenly, this year, i am not thinking "me me me" i am realizing 'us'. we both went through it. diffrently, but still through. alone and together. together and apart..
sunddenly this year i am missing more then one person. i am missing more then one thing. i am missing the innocent fun i had. the thrill of everything being a first. i am missing the intensity... hell i even miss the lies. i still havent forgiven but there are things i realize now.. and the bottom line was we were both too damn young.
this event, this july 24th changed my life at such an alarming rate.. i grew up instantly. i made wildly diffrent choices then i normally would have, just trying to get back to some standard state of stasis. when things got rough i took my easy way out, i deserved an easy way out and i ran as fast and as far as i could but i just keep landing back in this same sorry place, this same ground zero.
i need closure with you. i need support to make it through the next 13 years and you, unfortunatley, are the only one who knows exactly what i need to hear, and you've known it all along, we are only now, with seperate lives and families, old enough, mature enough, to have that. to give me what i need you to say. but ive hidden myself so well i dont think you will find me. not the old me anyway, that me, i'm afraid is so far gone that she cant come back, and its ok, because her sugary sweet went sour, went bitter, with tragedy. my bitterness, suddenly, is gone. and now i am back to this broken state, which i didnt expect.. i just.. i knew i wouldnt HEAL but i thought i could at the very least reach a simplified numb... but no, i am back to broken, but without hate. just so very sad. and i need you to tell me its ok and we can fix this. even though we cant, if you would just say so.. if you could just give me some hope, enough hope, to make it to next july....
i really need the hope.
i really need something.. to get me to next july.
please.

the only person who will ever understand this jumbled mess of words will never find it because i have purposefully hidden myself in falsified fabricated fear from him.
do you hear me? i am not bitter. i do not hate. i am trying very hard to forgive with full knowledge there was no "fault" we were just to young. i am sitting here sobbing away, even 5 years later.
please get me to next july.
i dont want to rely on you, or anyone else. i want to be strong enough to handle myself, and with the rest of lifes struggles, i have conquered with pride, i have fought long hard and strong, but i know you know how i feel. for some un identified reason, this is one thing i can not fight through and forget, or at least approach with callusedness. it is just one open wound i cant bandage. and i think you are the missing peice. maybe if we talk it over. maybe if we figure it out. F* it. i dont think anything will fix it. but could you at least tell me so? just so i know? i dont think i can make it 13 more years without that much...


i am an idiot to write this and to post this because the only one who will understand it will never read it. and even if they did, theres nothing to say, after all my harlequin-fueled, over emotional, completly spent, and sometimes drug-fueled screaming rants, there is nothing to say this person would care anymore. maybe this person would be glad to see me hurt instead - its what i used to think... though im not sure, anymore, why i thought that... its pointless. you wont see it. we wont get him back.
and 11 months out of the year i am happy. i have my hailyn and my phenix who keep me smiling - not as replacements, but extensions of the very thing that defines me. (motherhood) we always knew it would... i have the dog you never got me. i got him for myself. he sleeps next to me, just like i wanted. keeps me safe, like you promised. and 11 months out of the year i am strong enough to pretend i'm ok...
so why cant i survive july?
do you hate it too?
or now, now that you are happy and have someone to share youre life and sorrows with are you able to forget...??