rambles of forced sobreity.

its a standard midwestern day... cold. rainy. i'm wrapped up in my warmest shawl, listen to the gorgeous pipes in miss adele, gosh that woman can sing...the kids are quiet..dinner is already in the slow cooker, making the whole house smell so tasty...and here i sit, just me and my broken heart. last night/this morning has been the worst yet. this past week i've failed myself more then once. done some things i shouldnt. but i need this. i need this if im guna be the one who does it all, if im going to keep up this supermom facade i've got going on where i can wake up just before seven a.m. and keep up the house, raise my kids, teach my kids, help my special needs child in whatever i can think of, play with my kids. clean, cook, sew. wait on eric hand and foot while he lays on the couch from the minute he gets home from work til about 10 or 11 when i finally wake him up to go up to bed..then thats when i have time for myself to read or write. lately i've been too tired or too miserable...which i hate. writing makes me happy.then i go to bed. usually just past 1245 i have to do all of these things to perfection to keep from being judged by the ones who have graciously allowed us to share house since may...
i just want to cry.
i try so hard to just do my work and i cant do it if im in pain that cripples me further then the ridiculous limp and lack of any sort of strength already does. i cant play with my kids if i cant sit or stand. i cant run after them and keep them out of the road if my right leg decides to stop working...
all they have to do is give me these pretty blue pills, four or five times a day, then i can do it all. limp less. work more. the pills arent the problem! the disease eating away at my spine is the fucking problem so why not just give me this one lovely little pill so the shorter portion of life i have left can be lived fully?
ugh.
now here i sit. i am unable to sleep because i cant stop shaking. i feel like my entire body just..itches. or something. its a very painful ugly feeling that i cant stand. i cant eat. my walk is a very pathetic limp,wince,step. i cant have fun with my kids. cant even be in a good mood. who could, with off the charts pain and nothing to soothe it?
so i've failed myself. utterly and again. i am weak. i am miserable. i have failed by perfected game of pretending everything is ok..