sittin' waitin' wishin'

guess who turns 22 tommorw? of course me. duh. alot has changed since i turned 21... and alot has stayed the same. the last week or so of my life has been a total crap shoot. i've lost alot of things, most just mere fabrications. but im all the better for it. i have given up on trying to fix everything else and have begun working on myself, forcing myself to accept things how they are and find a way to take it in stride, so that i can give these two gorgeous faces the very best shot in life. maybe i wasnt meant to have some perfect, happy ending, magical life. maybe things just need to be shitty for me so that THEIR lives can be perfect, happy ending, magical. it would be worth it for me. i would do anything for them. i have lost one child in my life and i know that if it ever happened again i would rather die then face a single day alone. i think every mother could probably agree. so for the next year, i am going to suck it up, take it in stride, and hope my lovies have long, beautiful childhoods, full of whimsy and good memories, and each day i will try to better myself for them. for my husband, and lastly, and less importantly, for myself. we will raise these smiling faces together, we will do whatever we can, and i will die (hopefully a long time from now) with a smile on my face because tho my life is not what i wished it to be, hopefully their every wish will come true. i look to the next year with alot of fear. its going to be a big year with a lot of changes. but i will seek beauty in each moment... and hopefully, come this time next year, God will put peace in my heart, and i will sit here and smile in contentment. this life is not what i dreamed, but it is what is mine.
(disclaimer: someones on their first period in 3 years so pardon the emotionally charged-ness, p.s. i did not miss this mess one bit.)