finally getting around to write..

((inspiration: "Just a Dream" by carrie underwood. i started this out thinking it'd be something entirely different but this is what came out.. very sad, fair warning. no idea where it came from. not my best, but it's something...)) <3

i sit trying to hug my knees, my big belly getting in the way. my eyes are closed. i dig my bare toes into the warm sand. the waves crash onto the beach with a thundering sound that fills my ears in entirety, it is the best sound i've ever heard. clouds just rolled in, big, thick, dark gray clouds. it might actually rain today, and that is so fitting. its as if mother nature can feel my heart breaking as i sit at the edge of her most lovely creation... i lift my head just as a platoon of men and a few woman jog past me, cadence keeping them in step. i try not to look at them.. seeing them all in the uniform my husband should be wearing.. no. i cant do it. i bury my head into my arms, using every ounce of strength i have left, which is not much, to keep myself from screaming.
"Mrs. Benton. Everyone's ready. Shall we start?" the Chaplain says gently.
"I dont think i can do it Glenn." i say shakily. he probably cant hear me.. my head still burried in my arms.
i feel a little nub push at my stomach, that puts me over the edge. this baby is the only thing left of Sgt Jay Benton. he'll never know his own daddy. all for what? politics. it makes me sick.
Jay's best friend Tommy joins the Chaplain, standing over me, full of concern.
"Come on Brynn." he says grasping my arm.
i get up, brush myself off, only because i have no other choice. there's a big black mob of people, mostly uniformed friends. i stand tall, like i always do around Jay. He always made me feel so proud.
i stand next to what he's been reduced too.. i look out over all the tear stained faces, not really seeing anyone. i hear the formalities without really hearing them... i see them fold the flag without really seeing it.. i feel myself take ahold of it.. it feels like a boulder to my chest..
i look out over the ocean as they scatter his ashes in the salty sea, it's not technically allowed, bad for the enviroment, but i dont really see anyone stopping us..
as i let the sandy ashes that once were the love of my life drift through my cold, tear stained fingers, i think of the last time Jay and i were here... it was fourth of july.. it was two days before he deployed...i lay in his arms, watching the fire works explode in the dark night sky, thinking of how in just two short days, we'd be looking at two very different skies. jay kissed my ear and whispered he loved me... God what i wouldnt give to hear him say it one last time.. as i let the last of everything we were glide through my finger tips and into the ocean waves, i fall to the ground. Tommy tries to help me up but i push him away. How was i supposed to do this? how would i be able to look into the eyes of our child, our son, who would probably be Jay's spitting image, day in and day out, and not die inside every time? how could i raise his child by myself? every ounce of security i had was blown to bits by a fucking suicide bomber half way around the world. every good thing in my life, gone. all for what?
i felt the muscles in my stomach contract, protesting my meltdown. i winced, gripping my belly, thinking this God i believed in so fervently isn't doing me any favors today..
Tommy knelt down beside me. "Brynn?"
"Not today...i cant do this, i cant do this today..." i cry out as another wave of crushing contractions rocks through me. the sand beneath me turns wet... there's no going back now..
"No..no, no.."
"Chaplain, her water broke" Tommy calls. a flutter of gasps and sympathy ripples through the crowd of grieving friends.
Now i'm surrounded by people. Tommy, Chaplain..the corpsman from they're unit...
i look at the corpsman wearily. "i cant do this. not today." i say. i feel so weak with emptiness.
the contractions rip through me and i dont even care. it feels good to hurt. all i will feel for the rest of my life is hurt...
i dont notice anything around me.. i lay in the too big hospital bed and all i can think about is that night, under the fireworks, with Jay.. i need him. i cant do this without him.
"Brynn. Brynn you need to focus! Come back to us, ok?" someone calls. i come out of my head long enough to see the room full of nurses, the corpsman at my feet. "Stay with me Brynn. You gotta be strong, just for a few minutes. Do it for Jay. Push, now."
i think back to the night before Jay left... "is it weird that i cant wait to see you give birth?" he asks grinning.
"yes. thats very weird." i nod.
"Your gunna be a beast in that delivery room, No screamin', no whinin', just bam, push that baby out." he insists.
i laugh and look at him like he's crazy.
"Dont kid yourself sweetheart, i'm gunna be bawling like a baby."
Baby.
i feel a weight on my chest and snap back to reality.
"You did it Brynn!"
i grip the wet, weak body tightly... i'm crying and kissing him..
the last peice of Jay i'll ever have. a symbol of our love and commitment.. this tiny person that we made, together.. Jay Benton Jr. the only thing that will get me through the rest of this lonely life ahead...