weekend confessional (ish)

hello my loves.
well my life has been total chaos lately, but at least thats something! always try to find the silver lining.. even if the silver lining is simply still being ALIVE. if you ask me thats something huge to be greatful for most days.
eric and i attended (were forced to attend) a marriage seminar at our church this weekend. it went from 7-9 on friday night and 9am-4pm today. at first we were angry that we were being forced to go. this is the kind of thing we should choose to go to, not be forced to go to by people who have been trying to control every aspect of our lives, which we also resent. so we definetly weren't going into it with the right attitude or the right heart. and i can admitt that. i was pissed. i was angry, i was embarrassed, (because of the control issue, not the event.) but i was also curious. what was this going to be like?? i have previously done one other 'help- your-marriage' type thing, called "love and respect" it was epiccc. it was brilliant and funny, relatable, true from every word...but i did it alone. so i took what i learned and i kept it for my own heart. i tried to apply the first few peices of advice to my relationship, but when it was ignored, i took the rest, and held it in a corner of my heart, to keep until it was deserved. i'm not saying that's right, i'm saying its what i did. this marriage thingy was called "the art of marriage" it came with a pretty book full of all the things you needed to know, so you could concentrate on the videos instead of scrambling to write everything down. the videos were intense, some were sad, some silly, some funny, some painful. but they were all true, and every word was something we needed to hear. we go to a small church so the group was even smaller, no more then 10 couples. and we were told we did not have to socialize, we need to concentrate on our spouses. me & my social anxiety appreciated that one ^_^
so last night, we entered it with the wrong mentality. but even then we learned a lot. and when we got home, we still pretended that we hated it and were dreading tommorw, but in hindsight... i liked it. i liked it today too, the longer, and slightly more intense session. i enjoyed it, but having to sit down for such long stretches of time was causing mega pain to my back & my bad leg. im short. in most chairs my feet dont reach the ground. that causes alot of awkwardness for my body & ive been struggling with back/leg problems for 3years now. anyway. that was really distracting and made it hard to enjoy the whole "being there" but i still appreciated the seminar itself, and i still appreciated the things i learned. i am exhausted, and will be limping around for probably a few days, but i felt God working in my heart, and while its not totally clear, i still have some thinking/chatting to do with the Father, i feel like ive recieved the answer to a very very big question thats been on my heart for a long time.
i learned alot, i was able to see through my irritation, anger, resentment, and while im still angry, and very very annoyed that someone is telling me what to do and how to live my life, i did learn something. i will not thank this person. because it was through God only.
so turns out you really can learn alot, even when your trying not to listen. and turns out alot of marriage classes out there right now are pretty cool... turns out even if your relationship is stellar, maybe you should still go to one of these classes once a year, so you can learn new and improved ways to keep it stellar, or make it even more wonderful.
i've learned something very, very important. that little corner of my heart, where i keep things for someone special, is a little bigger now...a lot wiser..more colorful.
i dont know whats going to happen tommorw, this week, this month. i have my plans and my ideas but my life is not mine, but Gods, truth, though sometimes hard to admit.
my prayer is that soon, i'll be with someone who makes me want to be better then my best. who wants to get to know every corner of my heart. who appreciates me for who i am, who i've been, who i will be... who will make me smile every day, who will talk with me, really talk with me, every day. who will stand beside me, who will bring joy and peace to my heart, someone i can rely on, and enjoy, and celebrate, every day. in turn, for this person, i will love them with my whole being. support them every way i can, follow them wherever they go, good or bad, to be by their side. i will serve them with a joyful heart, i will do everything i can to be a better person, for them. every day i will smile and express my love in every way i can.
and i pray that God holds us in His hand, brings us together, and guides us through it all.
xoK