more then just new life..

october 3rd will be phenix matthew's first birthday! cant believe it! he's 18 pounds, pretty short, dont know his actual height.. hes in 12m clothes but they are rather baggy.. he walks, babbles *hasnt said mama yet! ugh!* hes a picky sticky eater...he plays nice, not a toy stealer like his sis! hes already figured out how to bypass the baby gate by climbing between the rods of the railing to get onto the steps. he points at everythings and waves almost constantly! my favorite is his "OHH NO!" face. he slaps his hand on his forehead and closes his eyes, toooo cute.
hes come so far in such a short time, totally blows my mind. especially when i think back to the day he was born.. all the blood and nervousness. the rushing and everyone talking all at once. i remember every second of that day and i will never forget a single moment. it is still, to this day, the most terrifying thing i've ever been through. most moms&babies involved in a placental abruption dont make it, but we both came through, and that's such an incredible blessing. his birthday was more then bringing new life into the world, which is incredible in itself, but that both our lives were also saved is...so humbling... and tear jerking and scary and beautiful... i feel such a whirlwind of emotions whenever i think about it.... i still have certain triggers that play back that fearful few moments in the OR before they knock me out.. that realization that i was going to die, or that i would loose another son... i get these little flashbacks and it just scares the crap out of me... but they are fewer and farther between.. at first every day, now every few weeks.
life has been kind of a crap heap lately. ok, reeeeally a crap heap but its all due to human nature.. but as i think about october 3rd of 2010 i am reminded that life is a precious, fragile thing, it is a gift, and it can end in the blink of an eye. i dont want my last breath to be one of sin, confusion, or shame, but of assuredness, happiness, and total contentment. and i want it to be when i am old and gray, asleep in my bed, with lots of granbabies and great granbabies to my name...=]
and for my phenixmatthew, my sweet boy.. i wish him the same, i wish him a life full of laughter, carefree play, and a heart so full of love...
happy birthday